Fifty Shades of Grey (Fifty Shades, #1)

I’ve been hearing the chatter about this erotica book for a couple of weeks, and while I love me some steamy sex scenes in novels (not just romance, but other genres too), I’m not really in to BDSM.  But I wasn’t going to let that stop me from checking it out.

I wasn’t too keen about spending $9.99 on Amazon for a Kindle download (I’m watching my pennies folks, not gonna throw money down the drain for some questionable kink), so I just downloaded a free sample.

Got to about the middle of Chapter 2 and realized my head was about to explode.  And I hadn’t even gotten to any smutty scenes yet.

Let me introduce the Twilight cast, oh, sorry, I mean Fifty Shades of Grey cast:

Anastasia  aka Ana (Isabella aka Bella) – innocent, clumsy, blushes a lot

Christian (Edward) – rich, smart, brooding, rude

Katherine (Billy) – roommate who needs Ana’s nurturing

Clayton’s (Newton’s Olympic Outfitters) – hardware store Ana works at

Jose (Jacob) – Hot guy friend who wants to get in Bella’s, I mean Ana’s pants.

Mom (Rene) – juvenile mom who lives in the south supported by 4th new husband

Dad (Billy) – Stepfather who likes to fish and is BFF’s with Jose’s dad.

Tess of the d-Urbervilles (Wuthering Heights) – classic book Ana’s reading for school.

Okay, so the coincidences between FSoG and Twilight bother me.  I mean, I’m glad Twilight inspired a lot of people to write (it did me), but please, please, please, get your own material!

The real turn off for me, though, was the crappy writing.  Now, my first dabbles at writing were terrible, horrible, scary, and embarrassing.  And I did (and still do) everything in my power to improve.  I don’t want my writing to suck.  From what I’ve read thus far, the characters are one-dimensional, the scenes are dull, and I feel absolutely nothing for any of these people.  I live in Seattle, and the author can’t even describe anything pleasant about our beautiful city as Ana drives up I-5 from Vancouver, WA?

Here’s an example of her crappy writing:  I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet and falling headfirst into the office.  Double crap – me and my two left feet!  I am on my hands and knees in the doorway to Mr. Grey’s office, and gentle hands are around me, helping me to stand.  I am so embarrassed, damned my clumsiness.  I have to steel myself to glance up.  Holy cow – he’s so young.

Now…would you read this crap?  I thought maybe I was being too harsh, so I logged in to Goodreads to check out some reviews.  Yep, I wasn’t alone.  Apparently this started out as Fan Fiction (Master of the Universe), although I’m not going to waste my time investigating further.

So those Twilighters who want to see Bella and Edward, I’m sorry, Ana and Christian go beyond kisses and sweet touches, this may be for them.  And, honestly, I’d love to see/read about that too.  However, I’d like for Stephenie Meyer to reach back into her sexy-sensual imagination and write it.  Until she does, I won’t subject my poor little brain cells to the torture of this bad writing, nor spend my limited money supporting this plagiarist.